My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
