a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
