I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
try to milk me bitch
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