You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
