I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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