I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
