a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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