I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I stole a fireplace last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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