i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
