yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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