Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
