I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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