a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
