Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
