why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
