I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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