A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
