I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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