just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
