life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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