end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
