dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
