meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
