I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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