i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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