In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize