I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
