so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
