her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
