If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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