Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
