Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
