I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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