There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
