i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
