yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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