My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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