I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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