the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
