How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
