he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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