I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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