i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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