my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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