I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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