Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
