Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize