I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
