Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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