i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
