There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
