3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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