While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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