I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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