im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
